Spoiler alert: EVERYONE deals with low self-esteem from time to time.  And, while dealing with low self-esteem is hard enough, dealing with low self-esteem during dating is downright sabotaging.

“How to raise your self-esteem!”  
“10 Ways YOU Make Yourself More Attractive!”
“Women, Stop Dating Low-Value Men!”
“How to Land Girls That Are Out of Your League!”

The headlines and “self-improvement” fluff elsewhere SCREAM “quick fixes” to get you a better mate.  The problem?  The problem is that the vast majority of pop-psy self-esteem advice is simply silly: 

“Tell yourself affirmation in the mirror every morning!”  Unfortunately staring into a mirror repeating affirmations as though they’re incantations does little to make you actually believe the drivel, you’re telling yourself. 

“Step out into something uncomfortable!”  Stepping out into something you’ve never done before is likely to leave you steeped in discomfort at the best; sitting in failure at the worst.

“Ask your best friend what’s awesome about you!”

And it’s that last one that’s the worst of all. 

Social Media Popular Advice = BS 

I hear it often on social media: 

• “I’m incredible and I deserve a man as incredible as me!!!”… while you watch them date loser after loser. 
• “I’m not going to take any more loser men!” 
• Women reassuring friends, “Girl KNOW you are fabulous! You are so awesome, and he just didn’t deserve you!!!!!!”; and
• The “I’m a caring, loving person so if I’m a bitch to you, that’s just a reflection of you!”

…is all bravado and bullshit. 

It’s quite possible that you’re just a bitch.  

To be clear, sure… maybe you’re NOT.  Maybe you’re the nicest person in the world. 

But the fact that you’re attracting poor matches is NOT the sole indicator *the matches* are the problem.  Maybe… YOU are the problem.

• Maybe you’re not “incredible:…
• No one “deserves” anything, much less an incredible mate.  (We can choose to set the bar we desire… but if you continue dating losers the YES YOU ARE TOO dating more loser men…
• And that your *friend* who thought you were “fabulous” is irrelevant… if the mates you are meeting don’t.

Without blunt, honest self-reflection you simply can’t rule whether YOU are the problem.  And… it doesn’t matter HOW many times you SAY “I’m not going to tolerate any more ambivalent men who don’t wine me and dine me and show me how much they value me!!!!!!”…. if you keep giving it up to guys before you know if THEY are quality. You see…. what you DO ALWAYS overshadows who you think you are.

And just because your best friend thinks that you are “awesome” doesn’t mean that you are (worse: maybe it just means you’ve got a lot in common with other friends, who have the same dysfunctions, poor judgment or low self-esteem so that.

Look: I’m picking on the women here, because they guys do the same thing… it’s just that usually off of Facebook with the bros, it usually involves a different kind of bravado surrounding women and/or alcohol, but that is just as fake and dysfunctional.

And the fact is anyways that each of the above statements are NOT “high self-esteem” or “valuing yourself.” The statements above are examples of lies you tell yourself while wishing that you felt better about yourself and it’s important to distinguish here from much of the bravado I witness here on Facebook:

None of the above bravado is real self-esteem

For REAL Self-Esteem…

The most effective method of dealing with it that I’ve is to take action as if you were valuable, even before you know that you are; even when deep inside you’re not sure you deserve it…

The pop psych idea is to just BELIEVE that you’re valuable and then that will change your behavior. I don’t think that works. At least not very well. Go ahead, if you like… give it a shot, but I’ll offer something far more powerful: just take action congruent with what you’d expect and more importantly what you’d DO if you were worth far more than you thought you were.

I emphasize the “DO” because… you can sit there all damn day waiting for others to treat you with more respect and value, thinking that THEN you’ll feel valuable and die before that happens. So just start with you doing the doing congruent with a much higher level of value for yourself than you feel.

Start by treating yourself with a higher respect than you’ve given yourself or even feel you deserve; then refuse less that what you’re worth in other areas of your life WHILE WORKING TO BUILD FOR YOURSELF more than what you feel you’re worth.

It’s a challenge and largely so because this method takes time. It will be some time of consistently taking action as if you valued yourself more than you really do. You will constantly be tested whether you’ll give up before you build more than you thought you were worth and people will consistently offer you less just to see if you’ll take it… before you start believing that you’re actually worth more.

But of all the ways of dealing with low self-esteem, THIS is the most effective I’ve found.

If you are tired of dating BS, poor matches, ghosted or toxic matches, I’ve got the solution – I’ve led hundreds of people in finding high-quality matches. I mean, like “the one” OR “fun!” matches they want. I KNOW I can help YOU find your dating success with the help of my coaching. Reach out now and I’ll even offer you the first session for free!

——— Start here, start now! ————-

“Mark’s deep coaching skills are profoundly insightful. As a coach who shows up fully and authentically, there is no stone he leaves unturned to help his clients see for themselves the highest future vision of themselves and then… he goes that extra mile to ensure that they have all the support that they need to actualize that vision.” — Monica Mascarenhas